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Dec. 6th, 2009

amberskyfire: (fairy)
I didn't sleep last night. I don't know why. I went to bed and lay there until four thirty in the morning when I finally fell asleep. I wasn't tired at all. Not even the slightest little bit. I got up and took some homeopathic chamomile about an hour before I finally passed out. I just don't know what was wrong with me. It was like I was on speed or something because my brain was going ninety miles a minute. I kept having all of these ideas and remembering things I had to do and it was all way too much for me to keep up with. I kept trying to make my brain be quiet, to stop thinking so I could sleep, but I couldn't stop it. It was like standing in front of a subway train with it rushing past my face and all the windows flying by loud and too fast.

I wasn't at all tired today, even though I didn't sleep in and I only had maybe three hours of sleep, but my brain was in a fog. I couldn't do anything right. I couldn't understand things I was reading. I typed up a letter to family about why I didn't want plastic toys for Aryquin for Christmas and then when I posted it, some helpful people pointed out to me that it was entirely psychotic. I took a break, had a shower, played with Aryquin and came back.

And they were right. It was the most effed up psychotic thing I have ever read. It was the worst crap I have ever written in my life. It hardly made sense and everything was just everywhere. I could hardly believe I'd even written it. To my sleep-deprived brain, it had looked WONDERFUL. It had looked like the best writing ever.

What a fucking moron. I hope I sleep tonight. What is up with me?


amberskyfire: (Default)

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