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[personal profile] amberskyfire
I didn't sleep last night. I don't know why. I went to bed and lay there until four thirty in the morning when I finally fell asleep. I wasn't tired at all. Not even the slightest little bit. I got up and took some homeopathic chamomile about an hour before I finally passed out. I just don't know what was wrong with me. It was like I was on speed or something because my brain was going ninety miles a minute. I kept having all of these ideas and remembering things I had to do and it was all way too much for me to keep up with. I kept trying to make my brain be quiet, to stop thinking so I could sleep, but I couldn't stop it. It was like standing in front of a subway train with it rushing past my face and all the windows flying by loud and too fast.

I wasn't at all tired today, even though I didn't sleep in and I only had maybe three hours of sleep, but my brain was in a fog. I couldn't do anything right. I couldn't understand things I was reading. I typed up a letter to family about why I didn't want plastic toys for Aryquin for Christmas and then when I posted it, some helpful people pointed out to me that it was entirely psychotic. I took a break, had a shower, played with Aryquin and came back.

And they were right. It was the most effed up psychotic thing I have ever read. It was the worst crap I have ever written in my life. It hardly made sense and everything was just everywhere. I could hardly believe I'd even written it. To my sleep-deprived brain, it had looked WONDERFUL. It had looked like the best writing ever.

What a fucking moron. I hope I sleep tonight. What is up with me?

Date: 2009-12-07 10:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lapsedmodernist.livejournal.com
I read your letter in the naturalfamily community, and I didn't think it was psychotic at all, I thought it was awesome. Just because complacent Americans' delicate sensibilities cannot deal with the truth about the processes of consumption they engage in, doesn't mean it is not absolutely true. No one wants to hear that they are complicit in an industry of violence and global injustice, so people who speak up about in ways that are not "legitimate" (like, whatever "issue" campaigns they profile in Glamour or whatever) are classified as psychos, in order to take the legitimacy away and thus render their argument as fringy and nothing to pay attention to. That is a particularly insidious and self-serving mechanism through which hegemony works. Doesn't mean your letter was psycho, it was true.

Date: 2009-12-08 02:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amberskyfire.livejournal.com
Did you read the first version? It was WAY psychotic, LOL. It was pretty out there. It was rambly and went off topic and was just...well, crazy. I slept last night, so no more bad writing for me!

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